Wednesday, July 27, 2011

My opinion about adopting two at once----(FWIW)

This is the answer I typed back when a lady asked---
Hi all,
I have been told by several sw that adopting two or more unrelated children at the same time increases the possibility of disruption. Just wondering if any of you have seen this as a possibility or a fact, because it happened, either by experience or by witnessing it or by stories you have read or seen. Also wondering the opposite, how has it been in families where two or more are adopted and it does not end in disruption. I would love to hear stories. I need some good input for this.
My family has adopted two and is in the process of adopting two.
First off---I do not agree with the SW statement that adopting two unrelated kids ends more often in disruption.... I think that is a VERY general statement.

However--- adopting two brings about a whole bunch of issues.
There are alot of factors--

do you have any other kids already....and their ages?

do either/both of the kids you're adopting have special needs?

the ages of the children you are adopting---similar age or big gap in years?

Have you adopted before?

Have you done your "homework" on adoption and attachment?


My cases are different---

Our adoption in March 2010 was for two older with special needs and the other "aging out and healthy"  We found our 11 yr old daughter first - she has arthrogryposis very severe- she will probably never live independently. At that time, CHina was not "open" for two but I had heard of a few cases. We asked our agency (LIFELINE) if there were any other children from her we thought there would be a greater chance of CCAA saying yes. They had a 2 yr old with heart disease. I just thought it would be very hard bringing two children home with such a vast age difference---I feared the older one would not get the attention she deserved because the 2 yr old would be "needier" emotionally. (MY opinion--not so for other families)

We told the agency we would just continue for our daughter. The next day, the agency sent us an e-mail of a file---"that had just come across their desk and CCAA asked them to place". They needed to process quickly and needed an experienced family. Would we consider her? We knew in an instant that God had sent this file to us.  We proceeded and processed from DTC to gotcha day in less than 2 months.

Both girls are doing great and their transition has be very very good....they were both scared stiff at gotcha day but HAD EACH OTHER. This is where I find that adopting two is helpful....they have each other to chat with--to tell their worries, fears, and has been great.

Now, we are adopting two younger boys---ages 3 and 5...they both have special needs but we have a large family and we are used to these issues. It is the first time we are adopting a child with a known cognitive issue as our 5 yr old has Down Syndrome. We are reading up and learning lots about DS.

I think the best advice I can give is to become educated about attachment and be ready for some rough waters....even if you "only" adopt one child.

I have heard it explained this way---

When you adopt a child and bring them into your family it ia like a mobile over a baby's crib. When the child comes into your family, its like someone bumped the mobile and it is unsteady and rocking out of balance.....but, with time, the mobile settles and begins revolving smoothly.
I agree with this. Sometimes the balance is off for months and months...sometimes its smooth all the way.

Pray about the decision.....follow your heart and I encourage you to fight for what you believe is right for your family. Sometimes the best things is life are the things you have to fight hardest to get.


  1. Fantastic explanation. We "only" adopted one and have been home almost 2 months. She is young and it has still been difficult, especially because we have 2 bio kids as well ... still feeling the mobile rocking out of balance. But it is getting more and more balanced every day and I thank God for the experience He has given us. I have learned so much from our newest addition and I know I will continue to grow as a parent because of her.

  2. I am beyond thrilled that you are bringing Elijah home. He has been a favorite of mine on RR since his picture was first posted. I cannot qualify for China so I am thrilled to see him find his forever family (along with his new brother). Bless you.

  3. I was looking for an email, but didn't see one. Can you tell a little about your adoption care package business that you mentioned in the RR site? I'm curious! Is it care packages for children in orphanages?

  4. We adopted two at once 14 months ago. They were 8 and 9 years old and they made our 9t and 10th child. I was told it could increase disruptions, because you might bond with one and not the other. I didn't understand that at all. Even if I had not bonded with one I would never disrupt because of that!! As it turned out my husband bonded faster with one and I did the other one. I don't see that as a problem or unusual.