Question #2 - Have you ever adopted breaking birth order?

Adoption Question number 2:

Did you adopt in between ages? For example did you adopt in order so that every time a new sibling came, they were the youngest or did the order change by adopting a 5 year old when you had a 3 year old at home? If so, how did it go?

We have brought 8 children into our family through adoption. At the time of our first adoption in 2005, our biological girls were 16 and 13. We adopted children in birth order the first three adoptions ....bringing our children home at the ages of 20 months, 30 months, and 26 months. So in 2007, we have children who were 19, 16, 4, 3, and 2. We then adopted a daughter in 2009 who was 6 months older than our youngest child. So we did break birth order for her adoption - however - she is deaf and was very behind in every way. So, even though we broke the birth order it did not seem like we did.

Six months later we adopted two more girls and "filled in the middle"
We added two adolescent girls into our family -- 11 and 14 yrs old. This was absolutely breaking birth order but really was a smooth transition. Both girls assimilated easily into our family and are well adjusted children for spending a great deal of their life in an institution.

Our last double adoption was of two boys ages 4 and 6 at adoption. So the oldest broke birth order and the 4 yr old is the youngest, This adoption was in 2012. Currently, the ages of our children are 25, 22, 18, 15, 10, 10, 8, 8, 8, and 6 The ten yr olds are 9 months apart and the 8 yr olds are 5 weeks and 6 months apart respectively.

Evert time we adopted our world was rocked for a period of months until the dust settled and everyone got used to each other. Every time we found a new normal....slightly different than the life before adopting the most recent child(ren). Birth order was certainly a factor but our situation of breaking birth order was a bit different because of the special needs of the children we adopted.

Every agency and family has their idea of whether or not to break birth order. If you have a very strong minded, "in charge" child you may not want to adopt a child that is slightly older and would usurp his place in the family. Many agencies do not allow out of birth order adoptions and also want the youngest child in your family to be 9 months older than the child you adopt. I never used any of these agencies so I did not have to comply with these rules.

I truly believe God equipped us with the instinct to know what is right for our family when adopting. Always remember that a child who is a bit older and has been in an orphanage will be socially behind and most likely developmentally behind a child of the same age raised in a loving family.

Adoption Question #1 - Should I bring my older child with me on the adoption trip? Will my child bond to them instead of me?

Time to start answering some of the excellent questions I was sent this week....

ADOPTION QUESTION #1

 Have you ever just traveled with one of your children and your newly adopted child prefers them instead? I am traveling with our 13 yr old when we get our referral and was wondering what would happen.

I traveled for two or our adoption trips with older siblings.  The first trip was for my son Jonathan who was adopted at age 2.5 yrs.  I took my daughter who was turning 15 during the adoption trip.  She was a huge help during the trip and I am so glad she came.

As far as bonding goes, there are a few things you should be sure of when facilitating healthy attachment.  One is that the parent only is responsible for caring for and feeding the child as well as comforting them.   When you are on the trip or in the early months at home ALL care should come from a parent-- not a sibling, friend, or grandparent.  This TEACHES the child WHAT a mother/father is.  THE person/people that the child can count on --- period. 

I certainly allowed my daughter to play with my son and sit next to him at meal times but I was in charge of getting his food, helping him eat, and cleaning him up from a meal.  Likewise, I did all bathing, brushing teeth, co-sleeping, and comforting.  All "close touch" with with me and not the sibling.

This is important during the adoption trip and for months after being home.  Teach them to count on you.  They have had caregivers breeze in and out of their lives daily through their days as an orphan.  They need routine and stability when coming into their forever family. 

This also bring up the extended family issues when coming home and "everyone" wants to hold the new child.  Please take action to inform your family before you leave about attachment and why you will set boundaries for several months.... It will be very very hard but set the line at play on the floor with each other...no holding, no feeding, no changing diapers.  ANY touch or cuddling should be with the parent.

The promotion of attachment and giving the child a period of  time to really bond with the mom and dad is VITAL and absolutely necessary.  As an adoptive parent I urge you to not take this lightly.  Any social worker or adoptive parent will tell you it is worth a few hurt feeling and a little extra diligence to be sure the newest member of your family knows who mom and dad are!